2 Timothy 1:6-8

~Facing Fear~

Some time ago I listed some of my fears in one of my blogs. I am not sure which one but I plan to go back and find it and let you know. If you remember, feel free to help me out and let me know which blog... thanks!!! An overview of some of my fears: silly ones would include dentists and doctors (although I am getting better with the doctor), rushing and being late, driving in a city and breaking down in the country. A list that may be shared by others: failure and rejection, leading and sometimes following, being taken advantage of, being alone but also commitment. I also have a HORRIBLE fear of spiders... they are absolutely disgusting!!! Some of the most pressing fears I have, though, have more to do with God than anything else. What if He leaves me on the side of the road somewhere, or asks me to live in an actual CITY? What if He is the cause of rejection in my life... or at times why I feel so alone? What if God puts me in a country or leads me somewhere that has enormous spiders running around? What if He allows something perceived to be "bad" happen in my life... even though it is for my own good that it happens?

You see, this is a fear because I have an "aching heart" for people in other countries. I have this heart for people who visibly have some "unmet" need like a lack of food, water, clothing, and shelter. What if I can't do ANYTHING to meet those needs? Thing is, I know that I cannot fulfill or meet those needs. Only God can. I have a fear of being diabetic and travelling as one in general is difficult. The fear grows at the thought of going to a foreign country, of running out of insulin or medications, of suffering from some greater health issue or illness that comes with being diabetic. (I DO, however, have an AWESOME story to go with this... keep in mind I originally wrote this blog at 7:00 a.m.... more to come so stay tuned!!!)

What do I do with a heart that wants to be with people in Africa or those suffering in Haiti? There is a noticeable tug on my heart, an ache or yearning to be with them any time an opportunity to go to either place arises. I have felt it recently with the mentioning of a group from my church going to Haiti, or even right before that when the son of a friend went to Kenya... I wanted to go too!!! I hurt my own heart as I have somewhat started to "ignore" that tug as I push it to the back of my mind and heart... similar to what I did two years ago in contemplating going to Ghana, Africa. What do I do with a heart like mine, torn between fear and opportunity? Go with God is easy to say... but facing fear usually is not so easy to do. Good thing God chases away that fear ;)

I also love writing and music, playing guitar and singing, but I have a fear of being in front of people... mostly in relation to fear of failure or rejection. So when more than just one or two somebodies suggested I play and sing at Life Group, I giggled to myself a little bit... and began to worry that they were all being serious, which they were. Pray for my confidence, not just in the ability I was blessed with, but more so my confidence in God. He knit me together. He knows my thoughts and my fears. I know He knows and would never do anything that was not to better me or for my good. I know He is my defender, protector, lover, and Lord. My confidence has been shaky in that at times though. Fear has kept me from taking that first step so many times. It is time to face that fear, to look "what if" in the eye... but what does that look like for me?
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"This is why I remind you to fan into flames the spiritual gift God gave you when I laid my hands on you. For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline. So never be ashamed to tell others about our Lord."

~*2 Timothy 1:6-8 (NLT)*~
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For the rest of the story...... I originally wrote this blog while sitting in my car at 7:00 a.m. this morning. This afternoon I had a doctor's appointment to check on my blood sugars, how I was doing, and all of that. I was diagnosed with diabetes on December 31st of 2008. I started using insulin on October 16th of 2009, a few months after returning home from Africa. Since then many prayers have been said about my health. Many prayers have been said about the use of insulin and the possibility of limiting that use... partly because I do not like needles, partly because it is so stinking expensive, and partly because there is something called faith that believes God can heal and restore health. Does it always happen? No... God is not a wish granting genie. Then again, we do not know God's plan in our lives... it is best to trust and have faith. Also, one of the main reasons I would fear doing missionary work and that I do fear travelling is because of my diabetes, multiple types of insulin, and medications. ANYWAYS, since January or February of this year (2011) I have been working with my doctor on insulin intake. It gradually began decreasing. I began working out and eating healthier, working with a friend dietitian, and changing my diet to see if there was any possibility of lowering my insulin intake even more. Today's appointment was an awesome result. For two weeks I will be monitoring my blood sugars while taking only one shot of insulin (Lantus) a day. For two weeks (and prayerfully and hopefully longer) I will be down to one shot of insulin a day as opposed to four. My blood sugars have been swell... and as a result Humalog three times daily has, at least for now, worked its way out of my insulin diet.

I do ask this of you: Pray with me!!! This is VERY exciting for me and while I know it may not last and that is up to God... but I am excited for the possibility that it might!!! It also scares me though... keeping close track of my blood sugars is not exactly easy all of the time. Any who, that is my excitement, and somewhat of a new fear. I know God can heal me, but if He sees it fit not to, that is His will for me and I will not be heartbroken. Thank you friends!!!! Sorry for the novel of a blog... I just wanted to share my heart and God's awesomeness with you =)