... God opens another. Recently I have faced a wide array of emotions that have been thrown my way. From sadness to excitement, disappointment to excitement, and failure to excitement... excitement that leads back to God in all areas once we seek to find Him in all areas. Most recently disappointment has flooded my heart. I was and sometimes am briefly discouraged at the door that closed. It hurts... it will hurt a bit today... it will probably hurt a bit in a few months when I look at the position and think of how much better I could have done somebody else's job (admit it, you do it to :)... haha). At first I felt as though the door was slammed in my face... you know the kind of slam that feels like some kind of sick joke. Then I realized Satan was the one causing me to feel that way. He took what can now be a learning experience, one that I am positive will be handled gently, and Satan took that and twisted it to make it seem as though I had failed. For a few long hours that is how I felt à I felt like a failure... as though I had been let down by somebody I had trusted. And in all honesty, I let this lead my heart to be angry towards this individual and that is not fair at all to them. Whether it is "justified" or not or if others say I have a right to be upset, it was unintentional hurt and disappointment. I am truly blessed by that person's spiritual maturity and life example lived out every day (especially when they go all sorts of "parent" on me at work and make me face them... painful at first, but a blessing done out of love and care none-the-less).
So I sit at my computer at lunch, ear buds in, shut off to the world, drowning out the two fellas who, on that day, kept my head above water. I read a short blog by Lysa TerKeurst and what catches my eye is that she is talking about her thirteen year old daughter. I had fought emotions all day, wondering why something that had seemed so perfect obviously wasn't so perfect after all. I read "...I’ve decided sometimes being sad or mad over stuff like this is a complete waste of my time." Wise words from a very young one. Truth. Because there will always be disappointment in this life and in this broken world... but God's promises will never fail and He will always hold true. These promises will never be broken and He will never change. "Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever." (Hebrews 13:8). I am still CHOSEN by the most important One, even if I'm not by others in this life. I trust Him... and I trust the decision made that has led to some disappointment. I trust the person who made that decision because I trust in their relationship with our Lord Christ Jesus.
Fast forward to Alpha later that night. I must admit that I had issues focusing (and no it was not because my crazy friends Noni and Robynn were distracting me). I let my mind wander. I went to Alpha that night because I needed to hear God-talk. God took that and led my mind and heart to a beautiful realization. I am still CHOSEN. I sat reflecting on the day's hurt, not sure why it bothered me the way it did. I sat reflecting on the words of my supervisor, somebody I should probably go to and listen to more often than I do. I sat thinking of Romans 8:28 "And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them." I had read it that morning as one of my "chose/chosen" verses. And then Jeremiah 29:11 went scrolling through my brain: ""For I know the plans I have for you,” says the LORD. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope."" A verse that gets me through some really tough let downs. And then it dawns on me how much I should actually be excited that I did NOT get the job. I saw this position as perfect for me... it was "right" in my eyes, but only God knows what is right. God saw it differently and closed that door. And closing that door looked different to me. What was seen as imperfect to me, God will truly work out to perfection. I think of how excited I was that I could work for somebody so stinkin awesome and so closely to one whose advice and guidance I hold so dear (I am still working for that person, just not as closely as I would have been with that position).
God saw something different. That door was closed because God has something different planned for me already. He has something BETTER in store... and that is exciting right? What could be better than what I saw as something so perfect? Only God knows and that has me pretty pumped and jazzed right now!!! It's a beautiful thing to think that God's perfect is better than my "perfect". When one door closes... a better one opens. When one door closes... God's perfection is opened.
----------------------------------
"We can make our own plans,
but the LORD gives the right answer."
~*Proverbs 16:1*~
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Monday, February 27, 2012
Against Me & For Me - AM - FM thoughts
I read this this morning and I really wanted to share it. Some of you who know me, know the struggles I have when it comes to feeling "good enough" or "measuring up". I've been reading through the book "A Confident Heart" by Renee Swope and it has been SUCH a blessing... I'd encourage anybody to read through it!!! This cut to the core and made my heart smile this morning as I read it :) I pray it does the same for you!!
-------------------------------------------------
THINK --> FEEL --> LIVE
-When doubt comes against me, saying I'm not good enough, I will rely on the truth that God is for me! He says I'm fearfully and wonderfully made; all of His works are wonderful and I am one of them (Psalm 139:14).
-When doubt comes against me, saying I'm weak and all alone, I will live in the truth that God is for me! I can be strong and courageous because the Lord my God is with me. He will never leave me nor forsake me (Deuteronomy 31:6).
-When doubt comes against me, saying I shouldn't get my hopes up because I'll only be disappointed, I will depend on the truth that God is for me! He has plans for my life that are filled with purpose and hope (Jeremiah 29:11).
-When doubt comes against me, saying I'm not good enough for a certain role or position, I will remember that God is for me! He says I am His masterpiece, created to be new in Christ so that I could do good things He planned long ago (Ephesians 2:10).
-When doubt comes against me, saying nobody really loves me, I will hold on to to the truth that God is for me! He loves me so much that He gave His only Son to live and die for me, and He chose me to be adopted into His family (John 3:16; Ephesians 1:4-5).
-When doubt comes against me, saying I can't do something because it's too hard, I will cling to the truth that God is for me! He says I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me (Philippians 4:13).
~"A Confident Heart" by Renee Swope~
-------------------------------------------------
THINK --> FEEL --> LIVE
-When doubt comes against me, saying I'm not good enough, I will rely on the truth that God is for me! He says I'm fearfully and wonderfully made; all of His works are wonderful and I am one of them (Psalm 139:14).
-When doubt comes against me, saying I'm weak and all alone, I will live in the truth that God is for me! I can be strong and courageous because the Lord my God is with me. He will never leave me nor forsake me (Deuteronomy 31:6).
-When doubt comes against me, saying I shouldn't get my hopes up because I'll only be disappointed, I will depend on the truth that God is for me! He has plans for my life that are filled with purpose and hope (Jeremiah 29:11).
-When doubt comes against me, saying I'm not good enough for a certain role or position, I will remember that God is for me! He says I am His masterpiece, created to be new in Christ so that I could do good things He planned long ago (Ephesians 2:10).
-When doubt comes against me, saying nobody really loves me, I will hold on to to the truth that God is for me! He loves me so much that He gave His only Son to live and die for me, and He chose me to be adopted into His family (John 3:16; Ephesians 1:4-5).
-When doubt comes against me, saying I can't do something because it's too hard, I will cling to the truth that God is for me! He says I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me (Philippians 4:13).
~"A Confident Heart" by Renee Swope~
Friday, February 24, 2012
Chosen
"Chosen: of one selected, often for a special honor"
Emotional highs can be fun to ride for some time... but can lead to anxiety even before a low. Lately, this has been the case for me... definitely more highs than lows recently... but those highs have left me craving more. They have left me anxious about awesome opportunities that are out of my control at this point. I had no idea what I was in for the past few weeks. We never really have an idea of what God has in store for us... other than the fact that He wants us to crave HIM over what this world has to offer. I recently wrote about "Waiting...". This is something very difficult for me, as it is for a lot of people. I would classify myself as a decently patient person... until it comes to waiting. I can be patient with those around me but when a time rolls around to wait for an answer from others, my anxiety takes flight and usually soars into chest pains and high blood sugars (and probably high blood pressure as well... just sayin!!).
This week has taken me on one such adventure. Finding out I was going to be on the worship team as a female vocalist at Faith E Free Church and also getting an interview for a position at work took me on this adventure. I was starting to wonder whether I was going to make the team or even get an opportunity to interview. I was so excited Tuesday night as I sat in my car outside of Chipotle, saw the interview request in one email account, and then reread multiple times the offer for worship team in the other email account. What an awesome feeling!!! It is a wonderful feeling to be "wanted" or "chosen" by those around you. God's blessings never cease to amaze me. But neither does my anxiety. It shifted from excitement for one thing to fear and worry for another. I was chosen for worship, but what if I am not chosen for this new position? What if I mess up or don't do well on my interview? You see, I was definitely excited (you can ask Noni, Robynn, or Yesinia and they will tell you just how excited I really was!!!). What was sad is how anxiety trumped that excitement. A later realization brought me down to earth a little bit: my excitement and anxiety were based on what other people had thought of me. Both were results of choices by others that were and are out of my control.
I have always had an issue with letting what other people think of me control me. It is a problem I have developed growing up in a world where society controls you with appearance and we are most often driven by what others think of us. Peer pressure... scandals... suicide... people's choice... what cars we drive, the house we live in, what we wear. There is a difference between simple influence and allowing people's thoughts and decisions control us. I have a problem with this.
Flash forward to the morning of my interview. I've been slowly reading through the book "A Confident Heart". Each week the author, Renee Swope, sends out a word and scripture reference. I am browsing through my emails on Wednesday morning and stop on this email. The word: Chosen. Simple as that. The Scripture:
"But you are not like that, for you are a chosen people. You are royal priests, a holy nation, God’s very own possession. As a result, you can show others the goodness of God, for he called you out of the darkness into his wonderful light."
~*1 Peter 2:9*~
A chosen one. A daughter. Royal priesthood. Holy. God's princess. I am sitting at my desk a little stunned. So much in my life at the moment can be packed into that word and I didn't even know it. Chosen. On a day I know I have been chosen but long to be more, that is the word that floats my way. I then catch myself praying that I truly am chosen. However, a few days later I realize my heart may have been in the wrong place. God SHOWING me that I am chosen... my heart still leaning on the approval of those around me. The belief I dug up: that I am nothing unless I have the approval of the "important people"... the ones who can get you places... connections. What a lie to live by, right? That belief that "I am not good enough unless..." is rooted in this lie... the lie that approval from others was more important than the approval of the Creator of the universe.
There is a lot of work to do. It can be painful. For some reason it took sitting in an office looking at a simple diagram with beliefs written in the middle to get my mind and heart to meet and click. A simple model and words from somebody I look up to... and God uses it to catch my attention. A text message from somebody I admire to remind me who God is. Chosen. I realize a different meaning for this word: Even if I am not chosen by those whose approval I so often seek, I AM chosen by God and His approval should be sought after far more than human approval. Even when I mess up and the world seems to come down around me, God still loves me and always will.
He led me to Jeremiah 17:5-10:
"5 This is what the LORD says:
“Cursed are those who put their trust in mere humans,
who rely on human strength
and turn their hearts away from the LORD.
6 They are like stunted shrubs in the desert,
with no hope for the future.
They will live in the barren wilderness,
in an uninhabited salty land.
7 “But blessed are those who trust in the LORD
and have made the LORD their hope and confidence.
8 They are like trees planted along a riverbank,
with roots that reach deep into the water.
Such trees are not bothered by the heat
or worried by long months of drought.
Their leaves stay green,
and they never stop producing fruit.
9 “The human heart is the most deceitful of all things,
and desperately wicked.
Who really knows how bad it is?
10 But I, the LORD, search all hearts
and examine secret motives.
I give all people their due rewards,
according to what their actions deserve."
And then there is Galatians 1:10:
"Obviously, I’m not trying to win the approval of people, but of God. If pleasing people were my goal, I would not be Christ’s servant."
Both yesterday morning. My challenge now is to find chosen throughout Scripture and read how I am chosen by God and realize how much more important that is than being chosen by others. To give you a taste of the awesomeness that has already rang true, here is a bit of what I have been blessed to lay eyes on so far. I want to leave you with some Scripture and an amazing thought to follow. Thank you for sharing with me friends!!! :)
John 15:16 "You didn't choose me. I chose you... "
Jesus made the choice to love and die for us and to invite us to share in eternal life and live with Him forever. We make the choice to either accept or reject His offer. His choice first; our choice second. Without HIS choice, we would have no choice to make.
Emotional highs can be fun to ride for some time... but can lead to anxiety even before a low. Lately, this has been the case for me... definitely more highs than lows recently... but those highs have left me craving more. They have left me anxious about awesome opportunities that are out of my control at this point. I had no idea what I was in for the past few weeks. We never really have an idea of what God has in store for us... other than the fact that He wants us to crave HIM over what this world has to offer. I recently wrote about "Waiting...". This is something very difficult for me, as it is for a lot of people. I would classify myself as a decently patient person... until it comes to waiting. I can be patient with those around me but when a time rolls around to wait for an answer from others, my anxiety takes flight and usually soars into chest pains and high blood sugars (and probably high blood pressure as well... just sayin!!).
This week has taken me on one such adventure. Finding out I was going to be on the worship team as a female vocalist at Faith E Free Church and also getting an interview for a position at work took me on this adventure. I was starting to wonder whether I was going to make the team or even get an opportunity to interview. I was so excited Tuesday night as I sat in my car outside of Chipotle, saw the interview request in one email account, and then reread multiple times the offer for worship team in the other email account. What an awesome feeling!!! It is a wonderful feeling to be "wanted" or "chosen" by those around you. God's blessings never cease to amaze me. But neither does my anxiety. It shifted from excitement for one thing to fear and worry for another. I was chosen for worship, but what if I am not chosen for this new position? What if I mess up or don't do well on my interview? You see, I was definitely excited (you can ask Noni, Robynn, or Yesinia and they will tell you just how excited I really was!!!). What was sad is how anxiety trumped that excitement. A later realization brought me down to earth a little bit: my excitement and anxiety were based on what other people had thought of me. Both were results of choices by others that were and are out of my control.
I have always had an issue with letting what other people think of me control me. It is a problem I have developed growing up in a world where society controls you with appearance and we are most often driven by what others think of us. Peer pressure... scandals... suicide... people's choice... what cars we drive, the house we live in, what we wear. There is a difference between simple influence and allowing people's thoughts and decisions control us. I have a problem with this.
Flash forward to the morning of my interview. I've been slowly reading through the book "A Confident Heart". Each week the author, Renee Swope, sends out a word and scripture reference. I am browsing through my emails on Wednesday morning and stop on this email. The word: Chosen. Simple as that. The Scripture:
"But you are not like that, for you are a chosen people. You are royal priests, a holy nation, God’s very own possession. As a result, you can show others the goodness of God, for he called you out of the darkness into his wonderful light."
~*1 Peter 2:9*~
A chosen one. A daughter. Royal priesthood. Holy. God's princess. I am sitting at my desk a little stunned. So much in my life at the moment can be packed into that word and I didn't even know it. Chosen. On a day I know I have been chosen but long to be more, that is the word that floats my way. I then catch myself praying that I truly am chosen. However, a few days later I realize my heart may have been in the wrong place. God SHOWING me that I am chosen... my heart still leaning on the approval of those around me. The belief I dug up: that I am nothing unless I have the approval of the "important people"... the ones who can get you places... connections. What a lie to live by, right? That belief that "I am not good enough unless..." is rooted in this lie... the lie that approval from others was more important than the approval of the Creator of the universe.
There is a lot of work to do. It can be painful. For some reason it took sitting in an office looking at a simple diagram with beliefs written in the middle to get my mind and heart to meet and click. A simple model and words from somebody I look up to... and God uses it to catch my attention. A text message from somebody I admire to remind me who God is. Chosen. I realize a different meaning for this word: Even if I am not chosen by those whose approval I so often seek, I AM chosen by God and His approval should be sought after far more than human approval. Even when I mess up and the world seems to come down around me, God still loves me and always will.
He led me to Jeremiah 17:5-10:
"5 This is what the LORD says:
“Cursed are those who put their trust in mere humans,
who rely on human strength
and turn their hearts away from the LORD.
6 They are like stunted shrubs in the desert,
with no hope for the future.
They will live in the barren wilderness,
in an uninhabited salty land.
7 “But blessed are those who trust in the LORD
and have made the LORD their hope and confidence.
8 They are like trees planted along a riverbank,
with roots that reach deep into the water.
Such trees are not bothered by the heat
or worried by long months of drought.
Their leaves stay green,
and they never stop producing fruit.
9 “The human heart is the most deceitful of all things,
and desperately wicked.
Who really knows how bad it is?
10 But I, the LORD, search all hearts
and examine secret motives.
I give all people their due rewards,
according to what their actions deserve."
And then there is Galatians 1:10:
"Obviously, I’m not trying to win the approval of people, but of God. If pleasing people were my goal, I would not be Christ’s servant."
Both yesterday morning. My challenge now is to find chosen throughout Scripture and read how I am chosen by God and realize how much more important that is than being chosen by others. To give you a taste of the awesomeness that has already rang true, here is a bit of what I have been blessed to lay eyes on so far. I want to leave you with some Scripture and an amazing thought to follow. Thank you for sharing with me friends!!! :)
John 15:16 "You didn't choose me. I chose you... "
Jesus made the choice to love and die for us and to invite us to share in eternal life and live with Him forever. We make the choice to either accept or reject His offer. His choice first; our choice second. Without HIS choice, we would have no choice to make.
Sunday, February 19, 2012
Waiting...
Patience and understanding… two things I often wish I would possess… two things that need to be learned. Patience. Waiting. Trusting. Faith… faith in patience… trusting God in that wait. And then understanding… understanding that He is in control no matter what, that He truly knows best even in the times that seem the worst.
It’s mid February… I’m sitting on the porch in my sweatpants and a jacket. I’m sitting here watching golf carts cruise the “greens” which right now are pretty brown, soaking up the sunshine in mid February. And I’m reflecting on what God may be teaching me. So many thoughts to ponder… so much going on right now in my life and the lives of those I love and hold dearly.
I realize there is a lot to do with waiting. Waiting to hear about an audition… praying I will find contentment in whatever role God plans for me to fill. Waiting to hear what awaits me in regards to my job and the application submitted recently… praying for God to prepare my heart for whatever happens and that I would lean into Him no matter what the outcome. Waiting for whatever news comes next and what the status of a dear loved one’s health may be… praying that even though it is painful to face, God would comfort the family and blanket us with His peace.
Waiting… and while I’m waiting I sit here sipping coffee, Micah’s music ringing in my ears at the moment, relaxing in the sunshine. Cool breeze… a gentle whisper… mild weather… breathe in the mid February air… blessed in more than just the tangibles. Reflecting on the blessing of sharing my favorites… the coffee, music, writing, and sunshine… sharing with the One I love most. So blessed, infinitely more than I deserve to be blessed. And my heart can’t fathom it as I struggle to take it all in.
A few short weeks ago, not understanding had my heart aching and tears flowing. Thoughts flooded my mind, none of which I understood. Why do I have to wait? Why is waiting so difficult? Why should I try? Why do bad things happen to good people? Why the people we hold close? Why? What purpose? Here is what my heart HAS come to understand: God does not ask us to understand. He asks us to have faith and to trust Him.
More questions flood the mind. If I understand it all, then what would be the point of God? If I figured it all out on my own, knew how to fix it all, and knew why, then what is the point of faith? What would Jesus have accomplished through His death and resurrection? What would be the purpose of this life and the love I experience?
But I don’t understand it all… and I don’t control any of it… so what am I left with? I’m realizing this is a good thing. I am left with nothing except faith… trust in our Creator. I am left to love and follow and to trust the One who controls it all. I do question… I do get angry and upset at times… and there are definitely times when doubt creeps in, but ultimately it all comes down to faith. I understand that God is in control and that He knows best even if I don’t understand the “why” behind it all. And so patiently I wait… wait for the One who is in control to reveal and light up the next step on this journey known as my life.
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