Yesterdays and Tomorrows

It is obvious that life is full of ups and downs.  2011 was full of twists, turns, and loops... a roller coaster ride that would knock your socks off.  I look forward to 2012 being the same way (in a good way)... adding to this roller coaster known as life.  I look back at the "yesterdays" of 2011 and see the highs and lows, goods and bads... there were easily more enjoyable moments than downers.  The less enjoyable memories are probably more like things in my life that are out of my control and let's be honest, who really enjoys not having control of a seemingly crappy situation?

However, I have learned... learned from the yesterdays I did not so much enjoy... learned that God always has my back when I am up against a wall.  I have learned that it is not even really "back against the wall" but more like "backed up against God."  I have also come to realize how often I have turned to Him as a LAST resort instead of seeking Him first and foremost, through all of the thicks and thins and not just the goods.  I have learned how a kind word and a little care, even from hundreds of miles away, can bring comfort to a grieving heart.  I have seen how a listening ear can be appreciated even by those you would not necessarily expect it from... and how that can get somebody through a tough day when it looks impossible in the wee hours of the morning.

Lessons learned; learning loved.  How amazing it is that something difficult bears positives in the end... what a witness to God's goodness.  He is so amazing!!!  I look at the rough spots and I am amazed... and then I remember the beautiful scenes passed by on the journey through 2011.  That is the point in which I stand in complete awe of God's works.  I look back at 2011 and see the amazing works God has done.  I reminisce on the blessings and my thoughts also wander to how many times God has rescued me from a tough spot.  He has blessed me in ways unimaginable!!  Here are a "few" highlights (or a lot of highlights because I can not just share a few...).

-An awesome church (Faith Evangelical Free) and an amazingly loving spiritual family.

-Seeing Christians doing what they love to do and being able to use that to witness to those around... examples: my doctor, the secretary at the dentist office I visit, one of the executives at GTM, the Director of Housing and Dining at KSU... amazing people who love what they do.

-A miracle performed by God in my life... there is no other explanation for my body surviving without a need for insulin shots and for the ability to decrease oral diabetic meds... only God can perform that miracle.

-A brother married and two more engaged.

-A beautiful nephew to watch grow... who I love seeing and stand in awe of the mystery known as life... and who decided he could walk.

-My Baptism!!!  A symbol of how life with Christ has truly changed me.

-At LEAST 35 pounds lost... and how great that makes me feel!!

-Co-workers who are so stinkin awesome and a job I enjoy greatly even when it is frustrating.

-Working with fellow Christians and what a blessing they can be!

-My LIFE GROUP ROCKS!!!  Need I say more?

-Weddings and engagements of some of my best friends...  AND FRIENDS WITH BABIES (or babies on the way)... =)

-Anonymous gifts that help me and move me to tears.

-My health and not taking it for granted.

-The new "friends" God has blessed me with and how amazing they are!!

-The word God placed on my heart for 2011:  Focus.  The meaning of that word, God used so often in my day to day life.

And there are SO MANY MORE blessings that I have not mentioned... there are far to many.  Focus... God's word for me in 2011.  It is a word that so often came to heart... especially when I took my eyes off of where my focus should be:  on the Cross and what it truly stands for.  I do not usually make New Year's Resolutions... but last year I took the "challenge" from K-Love to choose a word and stick with it.  Focus.  This year's word:  Commitment.  Although I regained some "focus" throughout the past year, I did not always remain committed to the true meaning in my life.  I can have focus... but lack the commitment I should have with it.  That is what I want to add to my life... commitment added to focus. 

I sit and wonder what I have committed my life to lately... some good and some bad.  More good than bad.  I know we all lose sight of the "goal we should be running towards" (Philippians 3:14).  What is it that I should be committing my time, energy, and focus to?  When I commit, I now want it to be all out... following the One my life is supposed to be focused on... commitment to Christ, my daily resolution.  I am so excited to see what God does in the "tomorrows" of 2012.  When I commit, I want to commit for Christ and Him alone.  In all I do, I want it to be done for Him.  I reflect on the cross... and that was God's commitment to me... the death of the Son on the cross.  What a commitment!!!  I want to be committed to the one who holds my life in the palm of His hands... letting Him control (Isaiah 49:16).  "Let go... Let God" is a motto to live by... I say it, can I act on it?  I want to commit my everything to Him... give Him my all and more (Colossians 3:23).  In all that I do, I pray that I do it for Him, with His guidance.   I pray that I commit my life to being healthy, working out, eating right, and treating my body as though it truly is a temple of our Lord (1 Corinthians 6:19-20).  I pray that I commit to build people up with my words... not tear them down as I have done so much recently... that my words would be encouraging to those who hear them... (Ephesians 4:29).  I know that I have been blessed... I pray that I use my blessings to bless those around me.  I pray that I am smart and commit everything to Him... including my finances which I usually have the most difficulty with... that I would be smart the way God wants me to be smart and that money would not rule my life the way it has done in the past.  I pray I will be committed to my Prince... my Knight in Shining Armor, Jesus Christ.

I know I will stumble and fall... we all fall down... we all fall short of God... nobody is perfect (Romans 3:23).  I pray that when I fall, I get back up on my feet, let Him dust me off, and follow through on the commitment that I made August 2nd, 2007... the commitment to live for Christ who died for me.  I made it, lost focus, broke it, renewed it through His grace... and now I want to follow through, recognizing what He has done for me in my life.   I pray that my life is committed to Christ alone.  That is my resolution... a renewed resolution... a resolution that should have meant more to me than what it truly has.  Commitment to Christ.

2012:  Commitment.   Happy New Year!!!

BTW, Josh and Zoe, I will TRY to make it part of that commitment to come to at least ONE yoga class... just because you challenged me ;).

-------------------------------------------
Word for 2012:  Commitment

Verse for 2012:  Colossians 3:23
------------------------------------------

"Work willingly at whatever you do, as though you were working for the Lord rather than for people."

~*Colossians 3:23*~

Christmas Blessings

It's a wonderful feeling, really, being blessed.  Christmas has had me thinking a lot the past week... thinking about how blessed I am.  Small things like the experience of sleeping in a brand new bed... the little things in life we often take for granted... anonymous gifts that almost bring me to tears... spending time with all of my family… the multitude of presents that are received throughout the holiday season.  It is wonderful to be blessed... but it isn't necessarily the gifts that are received that has me thinking.  What has my mind flying is the thought and the intangibles of the season and why it exists in the first place.  God sent His son... to save me.  Lavished by the love of God.  And He could have stopped at Jesus... the birth... the cross... the death that saves lives.  But God, He didn't stop there.  Every single day I am blessed beyond measure through God.  I also experience the blessings that are not meant for me... gifts that will bless people who need it more than me.

Living where I do, at the Homestead, I witness blessings pretty much on a daily basis... I have mentioned already how it can be somewhat of a scavenger hunt and how fun it is to be around and see an awesome ministry come together.  I see how it is a blessing and how it gives many opportunities to witness... it opens doors to talk about a ministry to the broken and searching.  I witness the hearts of people involved.  I see giving hearts at work and the joy behind the giving (and at times it seems ridiculous to be able to be a part of all of it... crazy at times... surreal at others).  The fact that I get to spend time with my family is a blessing… all of my family… this following a difficult few weeks for loved ones.  My family… what a blessing.  And then there are the anonymous gifts... and the heart and care behind the gift... and how moved I am... and God's timing of it all, when I needed it the most.  God's timing for the show of love and His movement in those around me.  The blessings of God's love and the Son that came and died because God loves us the way He does.  The blessing that God never quits... He never quits giving, blessing, caring, and loving.

Christmas Blessings... God's blessings... a time to think and recognize and remember how much God loves us.  Merry Christmas!!!!

There is a Way

Often I have been told that being shattered and to the point of broken is where God can minister to us the most.  It is the most unpleasant place but a beautiful place to start.  It brings us to the end of self and turns our eyes to Him.  We get to the point that we no longer can rely on our own strength or even the strength of those around us… the only strength that can keep us going is that of our Lord.  When life knocks us down, stay prostrate on the floor and worship Him.  God will pick you up when He is ready.  Let His strength be your strength and allow Him into your heart to work out the healing He provides.  Nothing else can fill the hole that tragedy leaves… nothing else can fill that hole of grief and pain left behind.  I am not able to begin to imagine the anger, questioning, grief, and wondering that goes with the gut-wrenching pain of loss… sometimes I kind of wish I did so that maybe I could find a way to offer a little more comfort.

We are His lost little sheep… sometimes caught in the thicket… but the Good Shepherd comes back for us, and if we let Him, He will rescue us, pick us up, clean us off, and nurse us back to health.  Life truly is but a vapor… some a smaller breath than others (John 14:27).  It is hard to bring glory in such hard times… but it opens a door to shine a light in the valley of darkness where light does not often shine.  Lift your eyes up to Him.  Let His glory shine… I have seen it so much already in these tough times.

Jesus is our rock and our salvation.  He has built a fortress around our hearts that cannot be overtaken.  God is our help and our comfort and only HE knows the excruciating pain being felt in times of loss.  HE KNOWS… and therefore He alone can offer enough comfort and strength to get us through.  Our purpose is to bring glory and honor to Him… to praise Him in the storm and shine His light for others to see His glory and majesty.  Let Him find you… take His hand… and walk.  Let Him pick you up and carry you when you cannot walk anymore and become too weak.  His strength never runs out… His river of peace, comfort, and love never runs dry.  Run to Him and fall helplessly into His arms.

-------------------------------------------

I Wish There Was a Way

12/14/11

By:  Sharina Marie Schaller

I wish there was a way for me
To take away the pain…
To take the pain that breaks these hearts
And throw it all away

My heart breaks for those hurting
…unimaginable pain they feel
To be able to offer some advice
On learning how to heal

I pray these hearts find comfort
Some form of peace inside
That the tears might stop flowing
And the pain would gently subside

There is a way… in Jesus!!
He can heal the pain
He lived a life for you and me
And died but not in vain.

Jesus can take away the pain
He knows the pain of loss
He opened the gates of Heaven
As His arms spread on the cross

Turn to Him in wonder
Praise Him in this storm
When we meet Him face to face
This pain shall be no more.

Lean into Him
Feel strength in His arms
Let Him wrap His love around you
Only God can heal your heart.

Binding a Broken Heart

About a week and a half ago I shared "Breaking Down My Pride", something that God is continually doing in my life.  I shared how my pride often blinds me and how sometimes God breaks down pride by putting life as I know it on hold.  He has been showing me how much I have taken for granted in my life.  Over the past few days, God has brought to mind a few things I have taken for granted... and honestly have cherished selfishly.  My health, my family, and my life are a few.  Yes, my health and diabetes has left me feeling kind of lousy at times recently, but it is getting better and my problems are minor compared to some I know.  I love my family.  I look forward to the holidays when I get to travel home to see them.  I love my spiritual family and the support they give me away from home.  I am twenty-four years old and blessed, but for some sad reason I may not always see it that way.  I look at the lives of some of those closest to me and the unbelievably difficult circumstances that they are facing.

A friend who's husband was just diagnosed with cancer.  Another who has a mother battling for her life... who is also trying to balance that with wedding planning and grad school.  My heart was left breaking... and recently it has broken to bleeding... pain for those in pain that I don't know if I've experienced before.  A friend who lost a younger sister because of an asthma attack and a family and young husband grieving the loss of a loved one.  A few short days later I learn of another friend who is battling the loss of a younger brother killed in a car accident.  That was the breaking point for my heart and the tears would not stop coming as I looked at the lives of those I love and hold so dear.  Pain for those in pain... grief for those grieving.  In no way can I even imagine the pain truly felt... the gut wrenching and aching pain that only Christ can help subside.  My stomach knots as I type this... wondering how to manage so much in such a short time.  I'm in awe by those above... not sure how I could ever begin to process or handle a situation like any of them.

But here is what amazes me:  the faith shown through all of this by those mentioned above.  The faith shown in the midst of tragedy and hardship.  Faithful.  Beautiful.  Faith for the One who gives and takes away... our Creator and Redeemer.  It is amazing, and yet a strange feeling, when the one trying to encourage the hurting is encouraged by them instead.  I am experiencing that feeling right now.  I'm in awe of so much faith and love... how when I call to check up on one person they instead check up on me... how one can maintain a balance of craziness in life and still give their time to help me move... how a grieving father loses a twenty-two year old daughter and still shares how it is in God's plan for life and the purpose of all is for good and how eternal healing has been perfected... how a sister grieving the loss of a twenty-three year old brother can say to me "We will def miss him! Lucky guy - gets to be with Jesus! :-)  Thankfully Jesus can be in more than one place at once"... and I'm left stunned and unsure what to say.

How many millions of words are spoken through so few words and actions like these?  My heart is left to wonder how many lives are touched or are being ministered to by such words and actions like these.  My mind is still trying to wrap itself around it all.  I am blessed.  I am encouraged and blessed and my heart is being bound by such words and actions of faith.  Faith in action... it speaks millions.  Worship in words.  The tears are no longer that of grief alone but of joy and amazing encouragement offered by those around me... words of those who truly know what it may look like to walk through the valley of the shadow of death and have a table prepared before them in the presence of the enemy (as stated by a sister in one of the scenarios given).  And so it continues... binding up a broken heart.  God will bind up a bleeding and broken heart... He is the only one who can!!!   It is amazing to experience how God works.
--------------------------------
"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted;
      he rescues those whose spirits are crushed."

~*Psalm 34:18*~


"The Lord is close to all who call on him,
      yes, to all who call on him in truth."

~*Psalm 145:18*~


"He heals the brokenhearted
      and bandages their wounds."

~*Psalm 147:3*~

{W}hole - Downing Doubt

So I was finishing up the book {W}hole by Lisa Whittle and let me tell you friends, that book is AMAZING!!!  There are SO MANY THOUGHTS to share... but I will spare you a lot of them as it would take about 10... or 20... or 50 blogs to share everything flying through my head while I was reading this book.  ANYWAYS I was finishing this book Saturday night and a line towards the end caught my eye... and grabbed my heart.

"Though it is difficult to labor without the guarantee of fruit, that cannot be our motive to serve God or we won't last long."

These thoughts came to me last night (Saturday night) as I finished the book.  So here are my thoughts:  God is saving me right now.  While going to Haiti has been planned with good intentions and in my heart I do believe God wants me to go at some point, I think my focus was a little off here lately.  Some of this began coming to light as I wrote "Breaking Down My Pride" last weekend.  I enjoy helping others but it may be more enjoyable to see that I'm helping others... I enjoy seeing the fruits of my labor.  Who doesn't?  But with that, I think God is really continuing to break down my pride.  I take pride that I have opportunities to go and help instead of focusing my heart on WHY I am going... and that is a question I honestly didn't have an answer to.  And in a sense I think my heart was in the wrong, even with good intentions.  When I went to Africa two years ago, I was frustrated because I felt like I wasn't DOING anything... because I could not SEE what I was doing... rather it was not visible to me what God was working out in the hearts of those we came into contact with while we were there.  I didn't SEE it so in my mind it didn't exist (I have this problem)... the fruit was not visible.  And I'm beginning to realize I may never see it this side of Heaven.  Part of Haiti was exciting me because of the planning and the doing... and I voiced that many times.  I was excited because I was going to be able to SEE my work and the progress throughout the trip, even if it was very small.  My focus was wrong... I was focusing on the fruit... not the seed that needs planting.  WOW!!!  What a thought.  Time to check my heart motives a little bit more :)
----------------------------------------------------------
NOW, to share with you what happened this morning at church.  All of the above was last night... the next part of this novel (sorry it is so long) is everything that happened this morning.  I will just say that God is SO STINKIN' COOL!!!  It's awesome!!!  Sorry it is so long... I like to write... it's a disease I have ;).

An add on to Saturday... doubt.  Doubt that I had heard God speak to me about Haiti.  Doubt that I was doing what God wants me to do.  I sat in church this morning and listened to a message about "Courage in the Midst of Doubt" (talk about great timing on God's part... He does that often).  A short time before that I had been briefly involved in a conversation with a co-leader of the Haiti trip, and he was in the process of mentioning to somebody else how three different teams associated with the other co-leader of our team had to cancel plans to go work in Haiti.  Doubt and feelings of being discouraged started to sink in while listening to this message (which is strange to me that doubt was sinking in when I was listening to a message on courage in the midst of doubt... anyways).  I have shared with you some of my issues with doubt and some of the trouble I have with it beating confidence out of my life.  This time seemed a little different.

I sat and listened to the sermon and wondered what God was working out with recent events.  My friend was helping lead worship today.  I see her quite often as she is the front desk manager at Max Fitness East (which is where I go everyday after work).  She has an absolutely BEAUTIFUL voice and is not afraid to share it (she broke it down to Mariah Carey's "All I Want For Christmas is You" last week when I was leaving the gym and it made my day!!!).  It was at that point that I remembered auditions for worship team would be in January right around the time we should have been going to Haiti.  After listening to her, I started the comparison game and doubt sank in a little deeper.  Could I ever even come close to sounding that good?  I have been hesitant to sing around others... it scares me to wonder what people think.  God has shown me a gift I have and reinforced that it is a gift simply through the words of others.  In high school, I sang a solo both my junior and senior years.  My junior year, I left our regional "festival" disheartened at the rating I received and did not make it to the state "festival" (our choir director didn't like the word "competition" so it was a music FESTIVAL).  Senior year it was I-ratings all the way through!!!  My parents have mentioned how they figured I would do something with music in college and how they were surprised when I stayed away from it.  They always encouraged me to sing in the choir at church.  I never did it and will admit I was intimidated by the voices around me that I decided I would never measure up to.  I doubted my ability to measure up.

People have heard me play my guitar and sing and they tell me that I should be helping with worship.  For at least the past year and a half now, a mentor has told me to get my butt in gear and get involved in worship.  I usually shrug her off the first few times, not gonna lie.  Were the words of others really honest?  Did they honestly think I could be that good?  Then again, why would they lie to me?  God has given the signs (words of others, The Networks class I took on spiritual gifting, as well as various other courses on spiritual gifts) and finally I found myself sitting in a meeting with the worship pastor at Faith E. Free.  I found myself in that meeting with many others I assumed were more willing to worship and better at it than I am.  I was finding myself hesitant and unsure of why I was even bothering.  Then he mentioned auditions because of the amount of people signed up to help (talk about an internal freak out taking place).  My heart was basking in the gloomy blanket of doubt instead of confidence.  Am I avoiding confidence because I have let it lead to pride and sin so often in my life?

I will admit Haiti has taken up most of my thoughts the past few months.  The auditions for worship team were placed on the back burner, something I often do if I don't want to do something or doubt is blinding opportunity.  I was hesitant and scared to think about it, afraid of the outcome.  So Haiti it was.  Haiti was the focus of prayer and thought.  Haiti was something I wanted to do... and I continue to pray for the opportunity to go whenever my heart is where God wants my heart to be.  I do feel God has given me a heart for missions (Haiti and Africa have excited me to unbelievable proportions).  I also believe that one day God will bless me with opportunities to go and serve.  Haiti had become a priority because I wanted it to be.  God has other "priorities" in mind for me I'm coming to find out.  Expanding on my spiritual gifting is one of them, which I have been told many times by many people to do anyways (what is the point of gifts if we aren't going to use them?).  I thought I would be facing a big fear by going to Haiti.  God, however, wants me to face a bigger fear:  kicking doubt in the butt and overcoming the fear that pride may overtake my heart.

I sat and listened to beautiful voices this morning, wondering if I could "measure up".  I was lost in thought during the last song (I will admit part of that may have been because I didn't know the song).  Then God spoke to my heart, words that scare me but steer my heart to a "priority" that needs to truly be a priority.  It is hard to put into words but it went something like this:  "How can I allow you to follow your own heart when you cannot follow Mine for you?"  What did this speak to me?  I was overwhelmed by emotion... trying not to break down because I didn't want to deal with running mascara (yeah I said that).  I believe God has given me a heart for missions, something I believe He will continue to grow in me and educate me in throughout my life.  I believe He will also reveal my "role" in missions.  What He is showing my heart, however, is that He wants my obedience to His heart for me before honoring my own.

It is a scary thought to honor an unknown.  It scares me to take worship team off of the back burner and make it a priority.  The lie, I am realizing, is that I am not good enough.  It is a lie that has controlled me for much of my young life.  The thought of measuring up reinforced that lie, a lie that God called out this morning as I listened to a sister sing!!!  It is scary to make a priority of something I love to do but am hesitant to share with others because I am worried about what they might think of me.  I am scared... but my heart is actually somewhat excited.  It is a strange feeling really.  But here is the big thought and truth behind this... which hopefully makes sense... :  I have to want to follow God's heart before I can follow my own, no matter how well intentioned my motives may seem at the time.  By learning to follow after what His heart longs for for me, it then becomes my own desire in a good, not selfish, way.  My heart needs to desire that which God wants for me and has given me.  God has gifted so we can gift and blessed so we can bless.  It takes that step into obedience to bless with the gift He has given.

Ready for Christmas?

So often I feel blinded by the secular meaning of Christmas:  gifts, giving, receiving, spending, gifts, decorations, trees, lights, and gifts.  I often overlook and even forget about the true meaning of Christmas... the best gift of all.  John 3:16 says, "For God loved the world so much that he gave his one and only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life."  That, my friends, is the best gift of all!!!!  We may be ready for Christmas as society sees it today... but are we ready for the true reason for the season?  I would like to share a poem with you.  It was in a devotional I read this morning and is so true... it spoke to my heart and I pray it does to yours as well!!
------------------

Ready For Christmas?

“Ready for Christmas,” she said with a sigh,
As she gave a last touch to the gifts piled high,
Then wearily sat for a moment and read,
Till soon, very soon, she was nodding her head.

Then quietly spoke a voice in her dream,
“Ready for Christmas? What do you mean?
Ready for Christmas when only last week
You wouldn’t acknowledge your friend on the street.

“Ready for Christmas, while holding a grudge?
Perhaps you had better let God be the judge,
Why, how can the Christ-child come and abide
In the heart that is selfish and filled with pride?

“Ready for Christmas when only today
A beggar lad came and you turned him away
Without even a smile to show that you cared?
The little he asked – it could have been spared.

“Ready for Christmas? You’ve worked, it is true,
But just doing the things that you wanted to do.
Ready for Christmas? Your circle’s too small –
Why, you are not ready for Christmas at all!”

She awoke with a start and a cry of despair,
“There’s so little time and I’ve still to prepare.
O Father, forgive me, I see what You mean,
To be ready means more than a house swept clean.”

Yes, more than the giving of gifts and a tree,
It’s the heart swept clean that He wants to see;
A heart that is free from bitterness, sin –
Ready for Christmas – and ready for HIM.

~Author Unknown~

Breaking Down My Pride

A Season of Receiving

Here recently I have found myself in a wonderful place, yet it is a position that makes so many of us quite uncomfortable.  I sit and reflect on recent circumstances and think hard on the season of life God has me in.  I have trouble admitting it but looking at life shows me in a season of receiving.  While it is Christmas time, that is not what I am talking about... although Christmas gifts are awesome.  This season of receiving is more like Life at this point has me in a position to receive.  Receiving... unexpected gifts... a friend handing me cash as a gift... a doctor waiving a fee along with being patient with me... living free for months... free food that randomly shows up at our house (it is kind of like a scavenger hunt without clues!!!)... using another person's washer and dryer for an evening.  Receiving unexpected gifts and at just the right time, that is how God plans out our lives to grow our faith. 

Receiving can be so hard, especially for somebody who would rather be doing the giving.  I think about all areas of my life and see provision... provision to receive.  I pray and pray, looking at what I can give... and as strange as this sounds (and as difficult as it is to say), my role, my giving is in allowing others to give (confusing to me as well but I don't really know how to put the thought into better words at this point).  It is a gift for others to give to somebody in need... even if that somebody not-so-willingly but willingly receives.  Why is it so difficult for us to simply receive a gift?  This question was asked by the K-Love morning crew earlier this week and the majority of the answers pointed to one thing:  PRIDE.  Pride can be such an ugly word, one that I do not want to face in my own life.  The prideful will fall and God will lift up the humble.  Unfortunately, I look at the past few months and see how prideful I was in my life.  Right now, I am witnessing a beautiful thing:  God is breaking down my pride.

I am beginning to see life through a new lens but some of the thoughts that have journeyed through my mind are thoughts of being inadequate and irresponsible... "what did I do to be put in a position to receive?" instead of "what is God showing me through these circumstances?"  There is also a feeling or obligation of owing somebody something if they give to me and I receive... even though that is not the definition of a gift.  Even though the inadequacy and acts of being irresponsible may be false, pride and guilt often try to justify the reason behind people's giving and providing... when really they see an opportunity to show Jesus to another in need and do as the Spirit leads them to do in providing.  The truth is that God has me here for a reason and the circumstances are what they are because God simply wants them to be.  I believe they are what they are because God is breaking down my pride.  Gaining this perspective has not been easy, a bit painful really, and often I have sat in tears mostly in denial, only making the process more difficult.

I took pride in my health, my "better" finances, a "better" car, and a trip to Haiti.  Let me tell you what happened next my friends.  My health is what it is because God wants it to be.  I've lost weight and feel great.  I no longer need insulin when two years ago I was using two kinds, four times a day... a miracle not performed by man.  I took pride in the strides made and my fitness in getting where I am physically... when simply it became an obsession as opposed to obedience.  It started as obedience... and then became a means of gaining respect and attention from those around me.  I obeyed... and then pride kicked my obedience in the butt... and I didn't stop the obsession so God did.  My "not feeling well" has a reason... maybe that mystery illness was a way God used to slow me down and remind me that my health is not mine to rule and my body is not mine to do with what I want.  My obedience should have been to God and what He wanted... not what I wanted to look like and feel like. 

1 Corinthians 6:19 & 20 say, "Don’t you realize that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, who lives in you and was given to you by God? You do not belong to yourself, for God bought you with a high price. So you must honor God with your body."

I managed to convince myself that I was honoring God when I was really seeking and falling into obsession.  God has pointed this out to me recently.  Then there are my finances... possibly the thing that feeds the inadequacy and irresponsible lies the most... the thing that makes it so difficult to face my pride.  When they don't exist or are not what I want them to be or expect them to be, the inadequacy lie kicks in.  Asking for money is so hard.  Receiving money seems more difficult.  (I'm blessed by those who know me and help me in this area without even a thought).  Asking has to do with me and me alone asking for that help but receiving involves more than me.  Not only does the lie focus on me as being inadequate, but Satan takes it to a whole new level.  The devil creeps in and there is the guilt... the pain of thinking that the other person involved sees me as inadequate and irresponsible... even if it is not the truth.  I have recently found myself in somewhat of a pickle financially (before my car cost me $500).  I fought pride and called a trusted friend to help me beat an easily accessible temptation... I definitely cried over making the call.  I walked away from the exchange baffled by generosity and the quick response by another to the Spirit to be obedient.  I also walked away awed by my own stupidity and the words that fell from my lips... the words of a prideful person.  I was helped... but after the words of comfort "this is a gift" from the other person, what escaped my tongue was "no it's not"... and I stood there dumbfounded.  I couldn't believe the words that I had just vomited... that is when I began to see God calling out and breaking down my pride.  A short conversation and apology left me knowing that person understands where I was... and the comfort that only God can give.

It is a gift for others to give and provide for needs.  It is a gift to receive and a blessing from my true Provider.  Whether that be my health, finances, doctor's visits, waivers, or living free, God has been using it all to break down my pride.  God has taken me to a position to receive in order to grow me and my faith in Him.  I have to rely on Him to provide.  God has taken opportunities and given me new ones to be patient and wait on His timing instead of my own.  He is showing me what it means to "conform" to His plan not my own and to give into Him.  Often my plan does not follow fully what His plan truly is.  A trip postponed but how the words "Really?  You're upset with HIS plan?" can put God's ways into perspective, a new perspective, and helped me see a different role I am to play at this point in life.  God has given us all positions to give and to receive.  This is a season of receiving.  He is, after all, the Giver of life and Provider of all I need!!!