"You're not good enough." That is the lie that has defined the majority of my life. People never told me that I wasn't good enough and they never said "Sharina, you suck at life." Those were simply the lies that I lived by. I played sports in high school for four years and sat on the bench about 99% of the time. I wasn't popular but I wasn't a loser either. I felt I didn't belong to any crowd. I wasn't good enough for anybody. In college I tried to be somebody I wasn't. I found some amazing friends but felt I wasn't good enough for them because they were Christians. This pushed me into a different crowd... the crowd our parents warn us about growing up. I sought out the unhealthy comforts of alcohol and parties. I found comfort in short-term relationships and abusing the relationships with my Christian friends. I also began to struggle more with addictions and self-pity. I became depressed after an abusive situation with a gentleman I didn't know and then fell further a few hours later when the friend who was taking care of me abused me as well. I was falling off the edge but thought nobody would care because I simply wasn't good enough.
After a few years of being around my Christian friends I noticed how "comfortable" their lives were (comfortable for the lack of a better word). I began spending more time with them and became more involved in a student ministry known as the Navigators. Through this God did some amazing work in my heart that I hadn't even thought possible. He used my friends to reach me even though I had used them because they continued to stand by me even though I had abused those friendships. They stood by me as I continued to struggle more than ever with addiction and depression. I wanted out of my life. I wanted to enjoy happiness and friendship instead of never feeling good enough and hating myself. I was ruining my life and knew I needed a change. I knew who God was but didn't know what it looked like to follow Him. I knew who Jesus was but had no idea what was meant by "relationship" with Him. Even so, two years after meeting my first friend in Manhattan, she sat with me as I made the commitment of a lifetime. As we sat in the back of Starbucks on August 2nd, 2007 I made a commitment to live for a purpose. I wanted to live for Christ.
Of course, I didn't know the so called "cost" of following Christ. I thought I would change overnight and that my depression and addictions would disappear immediately. I didn't know the meaning of obedience but thought I would have some incredible revelation. Instead my struggles grew worse. I've always felt I've had to prove myself and attempted to work my way to God because I didn't understand the meaning of true relationship. I was attempting to change myself from the outside in, by doing "good works" and hoping they would make me feel better or change my heart. So often I chose this method as opposed to God's way of change: allowing Him to change me from the heart inside with the outside works flowing from that change. My friends encouraged me to read Scripture but I didn't want to hear it because I "hated reading". I had gained some "head knowledge" from going to Nav Nights and listening to speakers but I had yet to gain an understanding of heart-felt faith. As a result, I felt I was not good enough for God and my depression grew. I was at the end of my rope to the point of planning out my own suicide.
God once again touched me. God drew me to Him through the love of my friends. 1 Peter 4:8 says "Most important of all, continue to show deep love for each other, for love covers a multitude of sins." Their hearts for God continue to amaze me today and at that point their love for Him literally saved my life and drew me to His Word. I began getting into the Word more and more, courtesy of my friendships and Bible studies. I began to see the importance of the scriptures in my life while spending a month in Africa. I spent time in the Word almost every day while there. Unfortunately, I fell back into my old pattern when I returned home, spending very little time with God. Past lies began to resurface as did the struggles I had faced before. I felt like I didn't know how to live for God and although I knew His truth in my head, I didn't feel it in my heart. I began to seek help for my life. God blessed me with a wonderful mentor and a beautiful example of what it looks like to follow Him daily in everything, through the good and the bad.
After almost three years of trying to make myself right with God, I finally began to understand the meaning of "being made new". After a year of weekly meetings and counsel from the person I now consider a spiritual mother, God has retrained my brain to discern truth over my perception filled with lies. God continues to amaze me with the work He does in my life. He amazes me with the change He brought in a heart of bitterness and brokenness. Although I sometimes still struggle with that feeling of inadequacy, God continues to show His face in even the darkest and most difficult situations. He changed my heart to know that Jesus came for me to have a relationship with my Heavenly Father, not for me to make myself right with God through religion. I often catch myself falling back into a "works-based" mentality, but God sends a gentle reminder that He still loves me. I have no need to try to impress Him because He is already impressed with me and He calls me to come as I am. He only wants for me to wait in His love and stand in obedience to Him. As I continue to walk with Christ, he has shown me the importance of Baptism and its importance in my life. Not only is it furthering my walk with God, but it is a major declaration of the way He has changed my heart and is molding me into the person He wants me to be.
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