Here recently I have found myself in a wonderful place, yet it is a position that makes so many of us quite uncomfortable. I sit and reflect on recent circumstances and think hard on the season of life God has me in. I have trouble admitting it but looking at life shows me in a season of receiving. While it is Christmas time, that is not what I am talking about... although Christmas gifts are awesome. This season of receiving is more like Life at this point has me in a position to receive. Receiving... unexpected gifts... a friend handing me cash as a gift... a doctor waiving a fee along with being patient with me... living free for months... free food that randomly shows up at our house (it is kind of like a scavenger hunt without clues!!!)... using another person's washer and dryer for an evening. Receiving unexpected gifts and at just the right time, that is how God plans out our lives to grow our faith.
Receiving can be so hard, especially for somebody who would rather be doing the giving. I think about all areas of my life and see provision... provision to receive. I pray and pray, looking at what I can give... and as strange as this sounds (and as difficult as it is to say), my role, my giving is in allowing others to give (confusing to me as well but I don't really know how to put the thought into better words at this point). It is a gift for others to give to somebody in need... even if that somebody not-so-willingly but willingly receives. Why is it so difficult for us to simply receive a gift? This question was asked by the K-Love morning crew earlier this week and the majority of the answers pointed to one thing: PRIDE. Pride can be such an ugly word, one that I do not want to face in my own life. The prideful will fall and God will lift up the humble. Unfortunately, I look at the past few months and see how prideful I was in my life. Right now, I am witnessing a beautiful thing: God is breaking down my pride.
I am beginning to see life through a new lens but some of the thoughts that have journeyed through my mind are thoughts of being inadequate and irresponsible... "what did I do to be put in a position to receive?" instead of "what is God showing me through these circumstances?" There is also a feeling or obligation of owing somebody something if they give to me and I receive... even though that is not the definition of a gift. Even though the inadequacy and acts of being irresponsible may be false, pride and guilt often try to justify the reason behind people's giving and providing... when really they see an opportunity to show Jesus to another in need and do as the Spirit leads them to do in providing. The truth is that God has me here for a reason and the circumstances are what they are because God simply wants them to be. I believe they are what they are because God is breaking down my pride. Gaining this perspective has not been easy, a bit painful really, and often I have sat in tears mostly in denial, only making the process more difficult.
I took pride in my health, my "better" finances, a "better" car, and a trip to
1 Corinthians 6:19 & 20 say, "Don’t you realize that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, who lives in you and was given to you by God? You do not belong to yourself, for God bought you with a high price. So you must honor God with your body."
I managed to convince myself that I was honoring God when I was really seeking and falling into obsession. God has pointed this out to me recently. Then there are my finances... possibly the thing that feeds the inadequacy and irresponsible lies the most... the thing that makes it so difficult to face my pride. When they don't exist or are not what I want them to be or expect them to be, the inadequacy lie kicks in. Asking for money is so hard. Receiving money seems more difficult. (I'm blessed by those who know me and help me in this area without even a thought). Asking has to do with me and me alone asking for that help but receiving involves more than me. Not only does the lie focus on me as being inadequate, but Satan takes it to a whole new level. The devil creeps in and there is the guilt... the pain of thinking that the other person involved sees me as inadequate and irresponsible... even if it is not the truth. I have recently found myself in somewhat of a pickle financially (before my car cost me $500). I fought pride and called a trusted friend to help me beat an easily accessible temptation... I definitely cried over making the call. I walked away from the exchange baffled by generosity and the quick response by another to the Spirit to be obedient. I also walked away awed by my own stupidity and the words that fell from my lips... the words of a prideful person. I was helped... but after the words of comfort "this is a gift" from the other person, what escaped my tongue was "no it's not"... and I stood there dumbfounded. I couldn't believe the words that I had just vomited... that is when I began to see God calling out and breaking down my pride. A short conversation and apology left me knowing that person understands where I was... and the comfort that only God can give.
It is a gift for others to give and provide for needs. It is a gift to receive and a blessing from my true Provider. Whether that be my health, finances, doctor's visits, waivers, or living free, God has been using it all to break down my pride. God has taken me to a position to receive in order to grow me and my faith in Him. I have to rely on Him to provide. God has taken opportunities and given me new ones to be patient and wait on His timing instead of my own. He is showing me what it means to "conform" to His plan not my own and to give into Him. Often my plan does not follow fully what His plan truly is. A trip postponed but how the words "Really? You're upset with HIS plan?" can put God's ways into perspective, a new perspective, and helped me see a different role I am to play at this point in life. God has given us all positions to give and to receive. This is a season of receiving. He is, after all, the Giver of life and Provider of all I need!!!
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