Maybe this is safe... maybe not... to be posting thoughts that have sat on my heart for most of the day. I am thinking more on the safe side than anything else... as I've sat and procrastinated on writing with this constant nudge and nag to do it even though I don't necessarily want to. It is one of those "I know I should but I don't want to" types of deals... and KU basketball may or may not have distracted me. I've had the thoughts there for hours and yet hesitate to explore them more. I've had them there but am almost scared to go deeper... heart feelings deeper, that is what scares me. Why? Because it has revealed so much selfishness in the depth of my heart... how I've "taken advantage" of grace and the blessings given to me. I've taken much for granted... I'm not even sure I have realized that... and still doubt that I fully understand the extent of all that is given that goes unrecognized in my life. I do not completely comprehend how my heart feels right now... my mind is still searching. I know that if I don't get my thoughts out and down I won't sleep well tonight. I know that at times I open my mouth when I shouldn't and keep it closed when it needs to be opened... just like today (in both the opening and the keeping shut). I sat around a table looking at faces... the faces I work with every day... enjoying a "Thanksgiving meal". Who does that at work? It was absolutely AWESOME... but I think I'm still in awe of the fact that it really happened... it never has at any other job I have worked... just sat with approximately 20 others, enjoying a "typical" thanksgiving meal... sitting around a table, enjoying time with each other... listening, laughing, smiling, enjoying, talking, and sharing... what is something you are thankful for? And I kept my mouth shut... didn't say my thanks... didn't take advantage of an opportunity put there by the Lord to share just one simple blessing He has shared with me. I sit and look at faces, some who know and some who don't. I listen to stories, some I know and some I don't. And I have the chance to share the blessings in my own life... but my mouth stays shut... and I can't put my thumb on exactly why but my heart aches because I didn't share. It aches because of the ears that were there to hear... and I second guess that maybe it just wasn't the time to share... the only thing that really gets me is that urge, nudge, and push to share and I didn't do it... I didn't obey what I feel was guidance to share... just a thought from a wondering mind and heart.
I could have shared how I am blessed beyond belief... the miracles of my life... but my heart falls on the difficult situations some of those faces have experienced recently and my life seems too good to be true... and would it make somebody bitter? Would it be taken as Truth, or a show? I don't know and that isn't my decision... it is theirs to make. I am thankful for the do-overs given by God... every day... more than once. My heart is blessed by that. I'm blessed with health that, yes at times is difficult and hard to explain, but that has gone through a miraculous roller coaster ride over the last three years... thankful for no more needles... a miracle with no more need for insulin when everything pointed the other direction a few short years ago... thankful for an outstanding doctor who loves Jesus who I know I can trust and my heart takes comfort in that. I'm blessed in my job... a few months ago I was questioning why I was where I was... did I really enjoy being there? And now I have so much fun with the people around me that I work with on a daily basis... so much fun... an attitude shift and new friends that I would have otherwise missed out on having as friends. My heart is blessed and wooed by music... worship to my marvelous God who blessed me with the musical talents of singing and playing piano and guitar. My life is blessed with family... family who loves me... a beautiful family with two wonderful parents who sacrificed more than I know and four stellar brothers that I could count on as bodyguards if I ever would be in need I'm sure... and the most adorable, handsome, precious nephew who I refer to as the "man" in my life (other than Jesus of course). And my other family... the family that God has surrounded me with here in Manhattan (now scattered around the world)... the family I have at Faith E. Free... the weekly meetings with Life Group (and food)... the support in any area of life... the wonderful women who offer me counsel and wisdom in ways they know will cut to the core and get through a thick skull, but they know I will listen to what they have to say even if for a moment I disagree, I still listen... counsel offered spiritually, professionally, in every area life really. So blessed to have that... but I do not express it enough... it is that deserving mentality and selfish blanket over my heart. For some reason it has been another "for granted" gift that a few years ago I wanted nothing to do with. Now, I couldn't imagine life without it... and God made it that way, sharing with one another, being a disciple and leader... those "Paul and Timothy" relationships exist because God wants them to... and I am blessed to have multiple "mothers" in addition to the loving one 200 miles away... I know I'm in good hands... the hands the Lord has blessed.
The biggest of blessings: my freedom... fleshly and spiritually. The freedom to write this blog and within it talk about God freely. I have the freedom to open my mouth and speak of the Lamb who was sacrificed for me on a cross even though I'm not worth it... never have been, never will be. I have the freedom to share the greater freedom given by God. Freedom safe because of those who sacrifice every day to serve a country that so often seems to throw them under the bus... there are thankful citizens that I pray far outnumber the ungrateful ones. Thank you Troops and Veterans. Thank you to a grandfather who served... a smile and peck on the cheek I can't wait to have when I am home in a few short weeks for Thanksgiving... yet another couple of blessings I have always taken for granted. Thank God for freedom... freedom in life and freedom in Him, the only Freedom and Truth... only found in my Savior Christ Jesus. A freedom to buy books about God, receive books about Jesus, and read about His greatness... only to have the freedom to share it with others, an opportunity I pray I take next time. A freedom I will never comprehend and never know the true depths of the cost of my freedom in any sense... I just know I have it because of Christ. Thankful... something I shouldn't take for granted as much as I do. Thankful that God doesn't expect me to ever be perfect even if, at times, I fall into the trap of thinking I should be closer to perfect than I am. Thankful for a Truth that outweighs any lie fed to my heart by Satan. Thankful for the Cross and all it has blessed me with. Thankful for one, true Love... that has much more to offer... thankful for that friendship. Thankful to be a daughter of the King.
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